Max’s Dog-Blog

Well it appears that I was right, and after my tip off from Clare (see her comment to my last blog) it seems that my humans are off on holiday again without me. They are going away straight after church on Sunday and will be heading off, with Tim’s Mum, to Malta - where it will be hot and sunny and they can have lots of rest and relaxation. And a diet free time I think with healthy eating restrictions lifted for their holiday!

I think they deserve it as they both work very hard, but the downside is that both me and Monty will be sent to prison for a couple of weeks. I offered to go with them, but Hilary said I was too heavy to hide in her suitcase (I would take up over double the airline luggage weight limit) and it is already full with clothes and books anyway. Tim also also said I didn’t have a passport- I did offer to disguise myself as his Mum and travel on hers instead, but he just laughed.

So prison it is. I think I am going in tomorrow so that the humans can make a quick escape when Tim has finished his three Sunday morning services. I am going to the same place as Monty at Broomhill Kennels and Cattery in Crook of Devon. (actually in Perthshire not Devon, which would be rather a long way away) They call themselves a “holiday home for pets” but I call it a prison. Though actually it can be quite fun being there (don’t let on to my humans).

This week Hilary was asked to write a recomendation for their website ad wrote a glowing account of ther plac- without a single mention of the word prison, which rather disappointed me. Actually come to think of what is the point of asking humans to compose the reviews - surely it should be the animals who actually stay there and experience the place? I must point that out when I arrive tomorrow and maybe I will get an upgraded kennel and special food priviledges for the duration.

Anyway.. no blogging facilities in prison so this is it for a wehile- butI will be back!

Something is apaw in this house. The humans are acting even more strangely than ever, rushing around doing things, dashing out to Tesco to buy books and clothes, and filling strange box type things with them… Hilary seems to have several to do lists on the go, and keeps saying things like “only two more days of work”.

I rather suspect they are abandoning me and Monty and heading off on holiday. I’ll try and find out and let you know.

In other news, Monty went back to the vet-human today for a final check on his previously infected paw. He was not amused at being stuffed in his cat carrier and protested loudly but didn’t actually scratch Hilary this time,. Just as well as she already has a burn mark from the iron on her arm that looks just like a cat scratch! Anyway I am pleased to bark that Monty cat got a good report from the vet and they didn’t even charge him for the appointment!

Hilary is quite funny sometimes. Today I took her to my forest here in Auchtermaxty for our walk and she kept telling me me I was “following from the front” whatever that means.

Apparantly she thinks that I like to walk ahead of her - leading the way along the forest tracks as befits a superior dog like me- and thinks I keep an eye behind me on where she is, ready to turn round and follow her if she goes a different way ! In other words, I am ahead of her but actually following where she goes! This happened at one point on our walk when I continued up the larger track and then noticed she had taken a right turn and was going up a smaller track. She was heard to say “You can go that way if you want Max, but I am going this way!”

What is a dog to do? I had no option but to retreat and join Hilary on her track, although obviously the way I was going to go was FAR superior!! But we can’t leave our humans loose in the forest can we?

Humans are funny too in where they go. Tim changes routes a lot as he likes variety, but Hilary seems to prefer going the same way and has a standard route in the forest which we take on a Saturday morning. It is hard convincing her to change from this, but today I did, when we were in the woodland glade bit. I was ahead of her sniffing the way and went left at one point instead of right back up to the gate, and much to my surprise she followed me! I thinkl she was feeling guilty at saying I, as a superior dog, was folllowing a mere human! Anyway this change gave us an extra loop and a few minutes longer on my walk, so that was good news!

Strangely Tim has never taken me into this woodland glade bit at all. It is a fenced off area called Community Woodland and is very nice. I think he is scared the fences round the edge are to keep wolves or other wild animals in!!

My female human has decreed that now I am 5 years old I must learn responsible ball management. It is all very boring really. According to Hilary, it means that when we are out on a walk it is me who is responsible for my ball, and not her!

I think she is just being lazy really as she was getting ever so good at keeping an eye on the ball and retreiving it from where I left it!

Anyway now her favourite phrase seems to be “get your ball, Max” whenever I put it down to have a smell! She seems to think it is up to me to get it from wherever she has thrown it, even if there are more exciting smells, things to chase, or dogs or humans approaching and needing greeting!

It is so boring! Apparantly responsible ball ownership means either carrying the ball at all times, or watching where it is and ensuring it is accompanying us on our walk! It also means treating it gently and not giving it a good old chew - as balls don’t like that apparently and will wear out and need replaced!

How boring! I wish I could have taught Hilary about irresponsible ball management instead!

I was very interested to read Piccolo the little black cat’s comments about how helpful she is in the garden, and also catching the annoying invading wildlife. It sounds like there are no mice left now and very few birds! How generous of you to bring the bird to the humans as a gift. They really should have been more appreciative of your talents and generosity. Maybe next time you should tuck the dead bird up in their bed for them as a lovely bedtime surprise?

My humans don’t garden. They seem to have a pathological dislike of gardening, and pay my young friend Gavin from church to come and cut the grass and do the basics for them. That means I have quite a free rein in the garden myself and can make as many holes as I like in the grass at the back, without the risk of them being turned into flowerbeds as happened to Mole!

There was a very funny invading creature in my garden the other night. It was right in the middle of my lawn and was small round and very spikey. No nice soft hair like dogs and cats. The humans said it was a hedgehog and I should leave it alone. They are apparantly very fierce when you try and catch them so I would leave them alone Piccolo if you find one. The also often have fleas and we don’t want to get fleas as that would instigate all kinds of nasty treatment inflicted by the humans as I am sure Belle and Wanda know!

Anyway the best thing abouyt the garden is chewing and eating al fresco. I think I have been forgiven for the recent remote control incident and yesterday chewed up a rather nice tin and plastic lid which I later discovered belonged to someone at church who had done some homebaking for Tim weeks ago. Oops. I really should stick to chewing up my own human’s items!

Incidently I have received a concerned message from my esteemed friend Mrs C who was for some unknown reason concerned about Monty as I have not mentioned him on my blog recently. I would like to assure her that he is fine and as annoying as ever, but this is MY blog not his so he can only have an occassional mention!!

This weekend has been the Muchty festival- a festival of Scottish music and community events, when Muchty has been packed full of people! My humans decided we would stay a bit longer than usual in the flat to soak up the atmosphere , and went from here to a 70th birthday party yesterday and to church today. They took a wander round the St Serf’s Market yesterday, and brought back some flowering plants for my flat. I suspect they will die of soon for lack of watering! There was some live music in the square and I could hear that from my open window, and saw a little bit of it on my walk with Hilary.

Last night on return from their jaunt to West Lothian for this aforesaid birthday tea party they headed to the pub and were amused by the open air atmosphere (almost mediterranean if it wasn’t so cold) and the compulsory plastic glasses. Stangely though although all drinks were served in plastic tumblers if you had a bottle of something you got it as it was- glass and all!

There was an amazing mess outside the pub this morning- shattered plastic glasses mainly-which was surprising given the sheer amount of extra bins which had been placed strategically around the village. There was also some green broken glass from the bottles and Hilary made me be careful where I walked. It was quite a mess and I suspect the majority of the inhabitants of the village and the guests (camping in the park) were hung over this morning!!

On return from my walk though it was all nice and cleared up and the sun was shining again.

My humans are quite happy today. They both stood on the oracle in the bathroom that speaks the truth and nothing but the truth, and over the last four weeks when they have been eating less, eating more healthily and also trying to get more exercise they have lost…

weight for it… (get it?)

Hilary - just over half a stone!

and (drull roll)

Tim - just over one stone!

So, congratulations to my humans who are now 1 1/2 stones less than they were- I do hope they don’t fade away to nothing!

Incidently I have been keeping an eye put for the missing stones to see if I can find them. They don’t seem to be in the garden though!

Sorry I haven’t blogged for a few days. It has just been frantic in the house as the humans have both got new toys, which means they are continually fighting over the TV at the moment! I have been busy trying to keep the peace, and that is why of course I chose to destroy one of their many remote controls the other day! Incidently that has now been replaced with a brand new remote control, which I am letting mature before I chew up!

So what are the toys? Not exciting things like balls, but rather bits of electronic equipment. Tim has bought something called a media streamer. It doesn’t seem to have anything to do with real streams though , as there is no water (muddy or clean) anywhere. What it does is read files from the computer or the intranet and let him watch them on TV. Or something. It is apparantly very clever as he can basically watch anything he wants any time. This means a lot of TV watching. Especially when there is cricket on.

Hilary on the other paw has bought a little black box called a wii and a silly white board she stands on and moves around on. Apparantly this is a wii fit and this is an an attempt to get fitter and lose some weight (both the humans are on a healthy eating lose weight drive at the moment) I did suggest she simply took me for more walks instead, but she prefers to play silly games on the machine instead, and you have no idea how disturbing it is during one’s evening snooze to have her jogging up and down the living room or shouting “I hit that!” at the TV. She tells me it counts how much exercise she does and how many calories she has burned off, but most of the time she is just annoyed that she has worked so hard and it is the equivalent of a celery stick or something.

The best thing about the wii is that you can register “pets” so me and Monty are on it too. We don’t have to do any excercise or anything but little caricatures of us run around during the games and we look very cute, even if we are the same size for some reason. Monty has had his weight registered too- being held by Hilary as she stood on the magi cscale things, but I am too heavy for that so Hilary held a dining room chair instead of me!

Anyway the humans will have their official weigh in on Tuesday morning and I will keep you updated as to their progress then!

I am in the dog house tonight. Proverbially of course, in actual fact I am at home as usual . But the female human says she is not all at pleased with me. It is, however, all her fault.

After tea Tim headed off to his church meeting and I expected some attention from the female human, But she decided to do other things instead- first some housework, then she had a go on her new toy, her wii fit. I’ll tell you more about that some other time let is just say it is very annoying and she appears to be addicted…

Anyway when she had finished her session tonight she put it all away and went to put on her shoes- but could only find one. After a brief search in the living room she realsied that I must have taken it so set off to find me… in the garden,, with a chewed shoe! She says it is still wearable though and I seem to have just softened the leather.

However, on the lawn nearby was a remote control. Not just any remote control. The sky plus remote control. And when I say “a” remote control I mean the remains of it… yes as well as chewing the shoe I had chewed up the remote… al fresco!

Hilary is rather annoyed as she was goign to watch some TV and now doesn’t know how to access the recorded programmes!! She says I am in trouble and must calm down and act my age!

Tim of course is still bliss fully unaware of my achievement!

As regular readers will know I often moan that I am not allowed to go to church with my humans… I mean, it all sounds so exciting!! People! Music! Dressing up! Singing! Strange smells and noises! Lots of food!

But I do keep being told that I am a dog, so I must stay on guard at home!

Anyway our curate the lovely Valerie came to see me today in between church services, and told me a wonderful story she had read about in the Church Times this week. You can read it here yourself if you want Dog gets communion

It seems that a dog in Canada - a German Shepherd cross breed - went to church with his human, went up to communion and was given a wafer by the priest! Yes a proper consecrated wafer!!

This has apparantly caused a major outcry in the church here as apparantly there is a silly rule that dogs can’t get communion! Something to do with us being sinless and blame free or something! And not having been baptised as well!

I’m Ok by the way, as Tim used an ancient Canon in the Scottish Episcopal Church law to baptise and ordain me, and I am in fact Reverend Max the Superior Dog. I am also of course sin free as I am so well behaved! I think I had better go to communion next week to prove it!

Mind you I don’t want one of those tiny namby pamby wafer things as my treat, I would prefer a bigger superior offering!